Settling In

Greetings, purveyors of quality babies,

It's been a busy month and a half since my last missive, but I thought you might like an update on my recent relocation to a new evil lair.

Sadly, all the volcanoes in San Jose were taken by other neferious types, so I had to settle on a spiffy apartment complex that looks a little bit like Italy.

Here is the main entrance to my new domain,


and here is the view from my bedroom window.


This is the area I have for my crib of doom,


and here is the corner for my diaper changing table... of doom.


Somehow, the parental units were able to squeeze the couches from Uncle Paul's place into this new location...


and gladly sacrificed their books so that I had somewhere to stash my toys.


One bonus to this new pad is the close vicinity of a splendid training ground where I shall be toughening up my recruits.


Here they will discover new definitions of pain as I put them through their paces on the swing of doom...


...the slide of doom...


...and the parallel bars of mild discomfort.


Recently, I visited some friends' houses. My associate and wheel-man, Oliver, held a Pirate-themed birthday party recently, and I not only shivered my timbers, but I also press-ganged Uncle Paul into being my cabin boy.


I also met up with another diabolical genius, Arusha, who showed me the joys of drumming,


followed by a demonstration of her own, evil meglomaniac chair.


I must admit, it was more comfortable than the chair I built for myself at home.


In other news, I am honing my hand-to-hand combat skills via unprovoked attacks on my creaking old dad. He is prone to yell "Not now, Kato!"


I am also learning to drive,



and thoroughly enjoying feeding myself.




I'll finish up this memo with a few random images showing how I have successfully integrated myself into society, but first, I must show you what happened after dad made me watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind.


Enjoy the snaps!









HJB Out!

13 months young.

Hello future minions,

Well, I am managing to squeeze in and write this blog while dad is taking a rare break from the computer. He has written a 'to do' list and is ploughing his way through it in a vague attempt to avoid changing my diapers.

A lot has happened since I turned 1 and became an adult. I am still doing lots of walking, especially in my new outfits, and because of this activity my weight appears to have plateaued at 22lbs.


I'm growing taller though (30 inches), and already have size six feet. I think some height would add a sense of menace which could prove useful in the future.

I don't always walk around unaided though - occasionally I like to relax in my walker which also plays classical music, very sophisticated.


Every day is spent plotting diabolical deeds and honing my defensive skills - when I am not attacking dad and biting his knees, I like to engage in a friendly bout with my arch nemesis, Dr. Quackles McBeak.


Speaking of dad, I have to say that so far I am not impressed with his parenting abilities. In fact, the stuff he has been teaching me has, quite frankly, been downright irresponsible.

First, he taught me the correct Mr. Magoo face to pull to show my displeasure when forced to eat vegetables.


Then he showed me the joys of eating mashed potatoes without the aid of a bowl or a spoon.


Later he demonstrated the correct way to smoosh one's face up against the kitchen window in order to shock mum. Luckily, granny had just washed this window...


He's not all bad though - he did take me swimming today for the first time - I loved it!


I've been considering many new forms of transport in order to facilitate my world domination plans. After rejecting the box...


I then tried what I thought was a rocket - only to discover that is was a crude mock-up of a pineapple house. The shame.


Finally I settled for my big Cat truck - oh, and don't get me wrong, I don't normally drink and drive. This was just staged as a publicity shot.



OK chums - see you again soon,

HJB out.

Wha? Where am I? How old am I?

Hello minions!

My profound apologies for the delay between entries, but feel free to blame my father and scowl at him as you pass him on the street.

So much has happened in the last couple of months - I pushed out a couple more teeth, learned to point with great aplomb, and within the space of a week went from standing in a wobbly fashion to walking all over the place - yay, mobility!

Here is some photographic proof of these great achievements.

Teeth...


Pointing...


Walking around...




I like to walk everywhere. Here is a typical scene where I have decided to walk upstairs and one of the slow old adults is trying to frantically catch me before I fall and damage the marble.


The other big news is that I have relocated to a much more sensible evil lair.
You might notice that my previous residence was a little bit... obvious.


Well, now we have moved into a smaller place, something called an 'apartment', which makes it far more easy for me to blend in with the natives. Actually, I rather like this new place. Despite being the size of our old garage, it is fun to walk around in, and looks like we now live in Tuscany - hopefully this should confuse Interpol.


Thankfully I managed to retain my chair, from which I dispense nefarious commands.


I was a good boy (for once) and helped with the moving process. Here I am packing Uncle Paul's antiques,


Ironically, the movie I am chewing on is 'Babette's Feast'.
As soon as cupboards were empty, I helpfully filled them up again with my own loot.


And of course I understood that sacrifices had to be made, and while the move was in progress I resorted to bathing in the sink...


or even on the balcony.


Of course, none of this a great strain, for I am secretly from a distant planet known to your Earth scientists as 'Krypton'.


Just kiddin'.
So, what else have I been up to?
Well, mum and dad took me to the beach a little while ago. I liked it very much and found myself inspired. I'll bet nobody has ever thought of constructing an underwater lair! Mwahaha! Just call me Stromberg.


We also entered a fun run called 'wharf to wharf' which goes from Santa Cruz to Capitola. It's a six mile run/walk/crawl and with my help mum and dad set a new record of three days, seven hours and two minutes.


All this exercise is turning them into a couple of hotties, check out their latest photograph.


I was too busy hanging ten to be in the picture.


As the more astute among you must know, I recently celebrated my first birthday. I knew this had to be a momentous occasion, and so I went to my friend Cosme's birthday party the weekend before to see how it should be done.
Here's me and Cosme during the math challenge. It was an easy question.


Later I discovered that party hats are the natural enemies of evil geniuses. Yes, I was thrilled.


One element I did enjoy was the ball pool - amazingly the purple ones tasted exactly like eggplant. I was expecting grape, oh well.


Full of balls, it was time to say goodbye. I was sorry to leave, but I had learned a lot, and besides, my diaper was full.


With lots of great ideas, I instructed my alleged parents to throw me a super birthday bash, and they didn't disappoint. Dad spent the afternoon incinerating pieces of flesh on the new BBQ, and mum and me entertained the 30+ guests.
Even though I was surrounded by Gills, the Bakers and Yakes were still stuck in England, missing all the fun. However, they still found a way to join in via FaceBook!


A cake appeared, decorated by dad, and I relished the thought of biting Elmo's face.


For some reason they felt compelled to set light to a small wax statue of Elmo, and mum helped me blow the flame out (almost pulling an MJ in the process. What? Too soon?)


At first they left me with a big hunk of cake to figure out.


But then dad came along and showed me the correct way to shove it into my cakehole with my meaty shovels.


The partying was getting to me, and so I had a power nap before opening my presents.


I fortified myself with a popsicle (ice lolly for my British fans), and then tore into the carefully wrapped gifts.


3.2 seconds later, they were exposed.



I got some very cool presents (thanks everyone, thank you cards will be with you before 2012), but mum and dad were disappointed that I didn't use Aunty Julie's gift correctly. Apparently you are meant to walk along the patterns and make noise, not just play with the on/off switch.


But then I showed them the front of the box.



I'll leave you with some images of my peeps, first mum in an enigmatic, moody light.


Dad.


Uncle Paul.


And the whole Gill/Baker clan!


Whew! This was a long blog!



HJB out.

Ten months old already?

Greetings future minions,

Again, I feel I must apologise for my tardiness with this new missive, but dad has been hogging the computer again, claiming he has a "ton of work to do". Whatever.

At least I can now bring you up to speed with my world domina... um, humanitarian efforts.

Firstly, I had to remind the one who calls himself 'father', who is actually in charge here. I fooled him into thinking giving me a shoulder ride would be a fun idea - and then I unleashed hell on his balding pate. "Take that - ha ha! Now go and wash it off, then come back and say 'May I have another?'"
You have to keep them in their place.


He's not just a handy target for my whims though - sometimes we share a quality moment together, like this moment when we watched Sesame Street while sharing a teething biscuit.


These things don't really work for me, and judging by my dad's teeth perhaps should quit while I'm ahead. What can I do? I have too much British in me...


I'm looking forward to Halloween this year. You may recall that last year I was forced to wear a humiliating skeleton costume (not my choice) - however, I have been working Granny hard, coercing her to make me a new costume - will I reveal it now? Oh no - ha ha! However, I will show off a nifty set of pajamas that she whipped up the other day. She would make a pair for dad, but we can't afford that much fabric.


While we're on the subject of that ridiculous space fantasy that my parents are pushing on me, I have to admit that it does have its uses. Through osmosis, as I am carried through their vast collection of toys and posters, I believe I have finally tapped into my true nature. It all started when I decided I didn't want to sit in my Bumbo any more at meal times.


It was then that I felt the lure of the darkside. My world became one of lurking in shadows and gurgling menacingly.


Until I finally learned to harness the power of force lightning - and I became Darth Nipper.


But I have said too much already. Back to normal baby stuff.
Here I am in my command center, feigning happiness when all I want to do is get out and crawl around.


We went to my friend Oliver's house the other day for food and games. Oliver's mum showed me this really cool toy - I loved it! For some reason though, a similar device has yet to materialize in my own home.


While there, Uncle Paul taught me the delights of picking suspicious fruits with no regard for personal safety.


But he's still my uncle and I still love him.


Just recently my alleged parents have noticed that my television viewing habits have started to affect me - they can't figure out if this is a result of watching too much Elmo, Clifford, Thomas the Tank Engine or The Exorcist.


While we're on the subject of horror films (we were?), one of dad's leading ladies, Christel, came by the other day. She's jolly nice, and has smashing shoes. However, I had to question the wisdom in allowing her to hold me when I read the press release from the film she stars in - "a voluptuous femme fatale who exacts gruesome revenge on lecherous would-be suitors".


Just yesterday I was invited to my other buddy, Nate's birthday party. he had a thing there called a 'bouncy house'. At first glance it looked rather daunting.


And when I got inside, I realized I was entirely correct.


Well, I have to get going, as mum and dad need this computer again, so I'll leave you with this final image which demonstrates how I am big enough to feed myself now.



Cheerio!

HJB Out.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hello blind followers of the cult of Harrison,

Today's blog is dedicated to a very special person on a very special day.

ME!

Just kidding. Even though I just turned 9 months old yesterday, I feel it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge my alleged mother who is one of many magnificent matriarchs to be honored on this special day created exclusively by Hallmark.

I love you mum!



Well, now that I've got that out of the way, back to me.

It's been a very interesting month actually, dad had a birthday and mum bought him some balloons. I ask you - are these people really mature enough to raise a child?



On the plus side, I did manage to weasel a decent morsel of dad's icecream cake out of him - and I have decided that this is what I shall be wasting my pocket-money on in the future.



I am a big fan of frozen treats - especially in this terrible time of teething. Mum has a little mesh sucky thing into which she puts ice cubes and frozen baby juice (don't ask me where she gets frozen baby juice from), and which I enjoy sucking on immensely. Sometimes we all get a frozen sucky thing to enjoy and we eat them together.



This month has truly been a period of discovery.
I have discovered how to crawl...



How to grow teeth...



How to sit up and play by myself...



How to show my displeasure when forced to eat cold carrots...



How to stand up and watch my favorite shows...



and how to react when a Girls Gone Wild advert appears on screen...



Normally, dad and I enjoy a sedate period every morning watching my favorite characters, Clifford and Elmo. Here you can see how the camera perfectly captures my father's feigned interest in these shows.



Speaking of dads - I met the final piece in the grandparent puzzle the other day when Grandpa Baker popped in for a visit - here is a stunning family portrait of the Fabulous Baker Boys!



I'd like to wish you all a happy May, and leave you with some more random images.

When I sleep on dad, I wake up with bizarre face-markings. However, I kind of like these, I think they suit a future evil genius.



Mother has proven to be quite frugal in these times of economic strife. Now, instead of separately washing my clothes and then giving me a bath, she just chucks the whole lot in the laundry. Don't worry, I have alerted social services.



Here's me standing up again. I like this upright position - it moves me that much closer to all the fun electrical equipment that taunts me with its flashing lights and beeping noises.



Finally, here's another cute picture for you to print out and stick on your fridge. I'm sorry for all of these stunning photos of me that must be cluttering up your walls, but can I help it if I inherited my dad's good looks?



Until next time,

HJB out.

Greetings Harry Fans,

So sorry for the long delay between blogs - you can blame my dad. He has been hogging the computer lately doing all sorts of crazy stuff, but he has finally given me a chance to do a bit of catching up on this, my 8 month birthday.
Eight months! Crikey, where does the time go?

To make up for the lack of blogging, I have decided to treat you to a feast of me - what more could you want? Normal service will resume soon!

Here I am at my first Easter egg hunt. Not sure I get the idea behind this one - it seems some bloke was nailed to a bit of wood and everyone celebrates by eating chocolate eggs from a rabbit. What kind of mixed up world have I entered?


Mum and Dad got me a big boy bed. I don't get how this works either. They put me in the middle of it, I go to sleep, and then I wake up like this. What's going on?


Uncle Parm bought me some cool threads - for some reason I move a lot faster when I wear this. It impresses the honeys too.


I am just beginning to figure out this 'crawling' lark. It appears I just flip over and wave my arms and legs in a general direction, and I tend to inch my way over there. Good fun, but my alleged parents keep moving stuff off the floor and higher up...


You know? Sometimes clothes are unnecessary. Like when I'm hanging out in my command center, making important calls to the gang. Nothing better than doing it in the buff without their knowing. Keeps me amused.


Mom is still very comfy.


So is dad.


I believe I have figured out a way to make crawling a bit easier on the knees. All I need is a couple more of these things tied around my waist and voila! Combine this with my Ferrari gear and you'll never catch me, mwahahaha!


Here I am eating a teething biscuit. Teething sucks. I constantly have red cheeks and cry at irregular intervals. It's not all bad though - I've got two teeth already! I'll let the parental units take a photo of them for the next blog.


Do I need to say anything about this photo?


I've been doing some research, and it turns out I was Mother Theresa in a former life. Bit bummed actually, I was hoping for Ghengis Khan.


Sometimes you just gotta stop and smell the roses...


Dad makes me toys every now and then - and I destroy them. For the full details behind this one, go to www.oilbathbubbles.blogspot.com


There are some doubters out there that don't believe I write these blogs myself - well, here is the evidence of me with my laptop - now be quiet.


Mum and dad's friend, Vivianne, came to stay a while back. She is nice, especially when she gives me an ice cube to suck when my teeth hurt.


He may not be perfect, but he's my dad - get your own.


Just me, hanging out. How's things?


Sometimes a kid can be too cool.


Well, that's it - it's been fun! See you next time!


HJB out.

Half a Year!

Blimey, how time flies!

It only seems like six months ago that I was yanked kicking and screaming out of 'bellyomom' - and since then I have grown steadily heavier and longer. My stats now come in at 18lb 12oz and 2 ft 4 in - I haven't figured out my collar size yet, but judging by the bibs that no longer fit me, it must be fairly humungous.

Life has been fun these past weeks - I've learned to do a lot more stuff and I'm checking out everything in my domain. I'm really happy that my parental units bought me this science laboratory as it has been instrumental in my understanding in how things work and how they can be controlled to suit my whims.



From this laboratory I am able to study the flora and fauna of my land. I now understand how a mock turtle feels...



... and what a frog looks like really close up.



I have even found a fellow explorer who appears to be trapped in some kind of pool -



He looks strangly familiar...



Not all the animals in my kingdom seem to respect me though. There is one fellow in particular who seems to chortle at me at every opportunity he gets. However, I have a roasting pan and an orange with his name on it (Dr. Quackles McDuckdown), so he will soon learn some respect.



I have also been tasting everything I can find in an attempt to find a substitute for milk (which, quite honestly, is losing its novelty value). My jungle gym has some interesting flavors - on this pole the strawberries taste like strawberry, the shnozzberries taste like shnozzberry!



It's not all work, work, work though. I still find time for some fun. I like to play a game called 'pants down, spit up'. This is how it works. First, I drop my pants...



... then, when everyone is distracted by my gorgeous legs, I spit up on Uncle Paul's head.



I never get tired of that one!

Granny Gill has extended her plane ticket so that she can stay here a bit longer. She seems to think that my alleged parents couldn't cope without her - and I'm inclined to agree. Here she is telling me a highly inappropriate joke.



Let's see if I can remember it. Um, there were these three nuns who had died in a car crash and they are waiting outside the pearly gates when St. Peter comes along and... wait a minute - this is a family site right? I'd better stop there.

So what else is new?
Well, I'm going through a miserable period known in select circles as 'teething'. Kinda sucks if you ask me - however, dad is normally on hand with a piece of frozen apple for me to chew on which is both practical and delicious - so it's not all bad.



I also have a new car seat thanks to mom and dad's freinds, Amy and Mike. I'm not sure that this is the correct placement for it though.



I recently hosted a birthday brunch in my honor, and was happy to be able to recruit some new serfs, um, companions who will come in useful during my conquest of the known world.



I'll leave you with a final picture of me (of course), in one of my new favorite shirts (thanks, jk!). Look at me! I'm six months old! I'm cute! Come visit!!!!




Until next time,

HJB out.